Beware the Christmas Kraken

Important information in this broadcast.

Early reports this morning warn of a great beast, risen from the icy depths below the north pole. All mariners are warned to use extreme caution and to load all harpoons in preparation. To aid you in this time of peril, please keep the following Christmas Kraken FAQ pinned to your main mast. Remember: early identification is key to survival.

Q: “How do I identify the Christmas Kraken?”

  • lures mariners with a sprig of mistletoe and puckered lips.
  • exudes distinct odour of eggnog.
  • may be surrounded by mer-elfs. (unconfirmed)
  • Sings Harry Connick Jr. Christmas carols. (confirmed)

Q: “What do I do if I catch one?”
Tag and release. No, I’m kidding. You’ll never catch one. If you see it, it’s the last thing you will ever see. So you might as well pucker up and add your harmony to the carolling.

Q: “Is Kraken meat good for anything?”
No! Under no circumstances should Kraken flesh be used for the Christmas roast, or in the construction of sandwiches. Kraken meat is highly hallucinogenic and results in a permanent psychosis. Tom Cruise swore by it for years and, at his direction, Scientologists have been farming Kraken for decades. They make Kraken jerky out of it. Frankly, little more needs be said about the inherent dangers of such folly.

Q: “Gulp. Sounds bad! Where IS this cursed thing?”
The Christmas Kraken was last sighted near the icy cliffs of Greenland, and heading for the green coasts of Iceland. It is capable of supersonic speeds when submerged and can squeeze itself into an average goldfish bowl. Basically, this thing could be anywhere.

People: it’s time to put away childish things. Stop hoping for a new XBox and just pray we survive these perilous times.

Oh, and in case you do: Merry Christmas!